Gladys' Edict

I'm fucking sick of everything. You, your indecisiveness, your pathetic attempts to get in. I think I've had enough. Bye. Over done. Complete. I'm not blogging here anymore. Unless I intend for anyone to read this.

I was looking through all my old photos yesterday. Most of them were with my clique, with Tim popping in occasionally. I remember being happy and carefree. I remember being worry-less. Try as I might no matter what I do can replicate that sense of completeness and security I had when I was with them. I was exactly who I wanted to be and I did whatever made me happy, I hardly faked a smile. I could be bitchy, rude and loud and I didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought because I had them and they would never have deserted me as long as I returned in time. I've never been happier. Being single, sometimes lonely, makes you realise and appreciate things you might have forgotten. Not like I ever forget my clique, but the intensity of love for them somewhat wavered in my pursuit of intangible desires in JC. Fuck me for that. I miss them a lot. And it's bleak times like these that make me realise how much I still need them. They're irreplaceable.

Everything seems so far off and surreal now. I love my clique as much, I love IJ as much. But new factors have been introduced, such as JC with all its peaks and troughs. I've found awesome friends and teachers in CJ, coupled with a shitty workload and A level brand stress. It's a fair exchange ( as in the perks and sucky stuff) but I wish I could go back in time. I keep forgetting who I am. I miss everything. I love CJ, but I'm just bloody miserable and goddamn pessimistic everyday. Maybe it's just the JC vibe, it'll blow over.

Dear anybody, can you allow me a year or so to break down to run away and hide? To lose myself in a hedonistic lifestyle of drugs, booze and maybe promiscuity. Oh delete Facebook and MSN too, cut off all contact, so I won't have to witness my own heart breaking and my mind spinning out of control. I hate here. 

It hurts because my heart was not allowed to shatter but it just stayed where it was, being hammered off bit by bit, kind of like the violent version of throwing digestive biscuits in coffee. Sometimes small bits crumble and fall out, sometimes huge pieces break away. There’s no closure so it’s hard to release and there’s no reason so it can’t continue. I’m stuck in this paradox. Unless I break free, every day will continue to fuck me up. My mind will be a mess and I’ll do stupid things to control my mind which controls what I do so I’m fucked screwed up somewhere, somehow. So funny because I can identify all this, but I don’t where to begin clearing up the mess. Right now, my situation is like a dirty house (I love analogies), it’s so hopelessly dirty, you don’t even know what to start with (Kind of like my desk in school). And because you don’t know where to start with, you just heave a sigh and procrastinate the cleaning up. When the cleaning up actually starts, the layer of dust is so disgustingly high, you’ll take a far longer time to restore everything to normal condition. Perhaps the idea of abandoning the whole idea of clearing up and subjecting yourself to the idea of living in a grimy house will be a more plausible, feasible and manageable alternative.

My eye bags suck. I slept 12 hours yesterday/today but I still look gross. It is arguably sleep debt and the sleep creditors are punishing me. Hopefully, the interest rates depreciate ( or appreciate?). Anyway you get the idea. Sleep debt is like food. Sometimes, when you get a late break, you feel so fucking hungry in class, but when it comes to the actual break, any hunger pangs or desire to swallow the whole canteen has vanished. However, if you force yourself to eat, a bite of that chicken burger, or a spoon of your friend’s fish noodles or bak chor mee will make you realize that you are still astonishingly hungry. Then you go binge and feel full and happy( and fat). My solution? Never let yourself realize it. ( Sleep debt/hunger pangs or any applicable analogy.

I found in the few of you my reason to live again. It's not going to change overnight, but all of you've given me a good reason why I should fight and really try my best to straighten my life out. I'm fucking sorry for making you all worry. Your strength has given me courage. I think this is vague enough so that no one else besides the three of you knows what I'm talking about.

Retreats two days in a row has been a very cathartic experience. I feel drained, empty in a good way. letting myself bawl in front of everyone was akin to an orgasm in that I made a lot of noise, it felt good and it released tension. I know it takes more than 2 days to effect change in my life but it has been 2 important days that could impact the course that my life will veer towards in the coming days.

Aly, even though you don't know everything that's going on, I'm so bloody grateful to have you around. It means so much that even though you have about a million commitments, you're still there. My bed's full of evidence of your love. I swear you're better than any boy.  Thanks for the balloon. It's been ages since anyone gave me one, I think the last time was my princess balloon on my 16h birthday. This is too cute. I love it. Your cards and letter echoed every thought that was on my mind, voiced out or not, and it's scary how well you know me even though the situation's vague. I'm gonna bring your cards around to remind me that I have hope. (: Thanks my #1 gf, cokechachacokecokecha :D

Fuck off.

Sometimes I think I should shut the fuck up and let everyone move on with life in peace.


How much longer can I hang on because it hurts and I don't know how much more I can take. I really hate not being in control. Every day is a fucking struggle to stay sane.

Today I stepped on my dog's poo.Stop laughing.

I have three best friends. My sister just left and I'm really moody now. I miss her already.

I think I'm not ready to go overseas to study or anything because both my dad and I agree that if I'm given too much freedom, I'll end up really wild and messed up.

Everyone tells me if I choose a faculty that I don't enjoy, I won't last the whole three or four years. That's true but how will I know if I enjoy the subject unless I've had the first hand experience of studying that particular subject. I don't like a lot of things I do but there's always something that encourages me, usually friends. I don't know if I'll find any friends in Uni. I might become a social recluse because I'm tired of being a social butterfly and I just want to give everybody my classic 'jiao bin' anytime I feel like it. I don't want to conform to anything. Anyway, universities are all so competitive, finding true friends who will not betray you, or use you as a stepping stone for their own success at your expense. I think if I were left alone completely, I wouldn't actually try making friends. I'd like to have that one friend I do everything with and maybe a handsome, buff and tall boyfriend that can tank all my crap. That's enough.

I like thinking about the future, it seems so surreal and the fantasizing is the closest I can get to reality at this stage. I'm still half drained from mid years and I probably need two more days ( or more) before I get fully recharged and ready to go again. This time, fuck all distractions. It's just me, study group and a couple of parties.

Skins is so freaking funny. I love Thomas! Skins, booze and milk buns = love.

I lost my chemistry with Chemistry today. That's the funny part, if you like my brand of jokes that fell down ( lame) but the truth is, I'm disappointed with how I handled my chemistry paper today. I know everyone says that it's only mid years but horrors of horrors, we only have 1 more major exam ( after mid years) before we can say it's only CTs/Midyears/ etc.

Disappointment. It feels like someone's tied a weight to my heart and gut and then threw me into the ocean. I feel like I'm sinking but thankfully, not drowning. No expectations, no disappointments. I can repeat it to myself countless of times, brainwash myself but right now, it is impossible ( yes, impossible) to rid myself of hope. Without hope, I don't have anything to look forward to in my life. With hope, there will be inevitable disappointment when that hope isn't translated into reality. Not having expectations, so I settle for second best? I'm a far cry from perfection but I think I'm certainly entitled to standards.

I want Law. My sister and I discussed about it. Perhaps I might be wanting it for the wrong reason, to prove to myself that I'm good enough? I dunno. Ugh whatever. I need to do something about hallucinations, dark eye circles and stress pimples. I look a fright.

Be happy, Ben. Promise me you'll be happy. That's the only way I can be happy too. Don't humour me, don't chase after a shadow of what you want and risk losing yourself. I'll keep my distance to protect us both, but I'll find a way to be there if you need someone who loves you intensely. Ben, today I finally acknowledged that I'll never be who I want to be in your life and I decided to try to let go. It's not like I have much of a choice. You're going far far away this week until God knows when. I won't see or hear you. It's going to be a while. Hopefully, I'll see you many many years later and we'll meet up for tea. I promise I will not pretend to not see you and run in the other direction.
You are everything that I love, everything that I could ever want. You're the one I've been looking and waiting for all my life. That makes it a whole lot more painfully to watch you leave. I cannot stand back and watch your board that plane. I cannot watch my own heart break.

Goodbye.
Don't turn around